Depression after massive achievement

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

 

Hi There,

i’ve passed my theory finals. i JUST passed them without having to get into the Oral verification exam.

So i should be happy right? well as my therapist would put it: It’s a should rule and should rules aren’t helpful.
People think i am happy and about passing i am happy but for some reason i can’t explain, it left me with a depression. That my Boyfriend isn’t really responsive since i passed doesn’t help but i will get to that later in this post.

So i passed and it’s taken away the whole stress, which is a weird feeling after weeks and months of constant pressure and stress up to the point of total insanity. i have to get used to the “back-to-normal-anxiety” state, which is hard for me to do.
Just because i passed the hardest part of the finals (the practical part is a piece of cake) doesn’t mean that all my problems are solved and my issues just disappeared.

i have to give credit to the stress making my ED way worse and since the stress-level is back to my normal state i do have cravings and feel hungry. i do eat more and i can’t accept that really i hate it, i hate eating again as much as i hated starving to the point of almost eating nothing. It seems like i can’t please my brain with anything i do and that’s upsetting. i hoped that the “voices” would calm down but instead they now yell even louder and i am upset, that i can’t control my food intake as much as i did, when i was extremely stressed and under pressure. i feel like a pig the whole time and couldn’t help it to misuse laxatives although i KNOW they are not helping to lose weight or to even get rid of the food i’ve consumed.

my Therapist suggested to try to accept each behavior without beating myself up over it. Eating, not eating. Harming myself, not harming myself. Not using laxative, using laxatives (or diet pills in that respect). So to work with it rather than beating myself up over it and causing more turmoil in my brain.
That’s at least how i am interpreting her words…

Now to the topic of my Boyfriend…
He’s quite a handful (actually two very big handfuls).
Since i’ve passed my theory exam he became quite distant. my exam is not the only reason for it though. In the past week he had an appointment where they discussed the possibility of him doing a re-training. Apparently they told him that he can do one but he has to do it, where he lives at the moment which means that our moving together would get delayed for at least 2 years, probably even 3… He said if they offered him the re-training he would take it and i said of course he’d take it. But it seems like he’s struggling with the thought of our future together if he’s starting the re-training. i told him to ask if it was possible to get his papers transferred to where i live, so that he might be able to do the training where i live and we could move together after all. He might ask them…
Anyway i can’t move to him because i do have a job and i am not going to just move away from that, risking not finding a new one esp. in an area of Germany where it’s hard to find a job to begin with. The infrastructure where he lives sucks massively and i’m not willing to move to that area at all anymore. That’s also because of his instability. i’m not risking him treating me badly up there, where i can’t just get out and have somebody to turn to. He’s been treating me emotionally bad in the past and i’m not willing to let him do that again without having a support network close by.
If we move together i’ll make sure he’s going to create a support network for himself, so he won’t have to deal with everything alone. i want him to be happy and content and the way he lives his life at the moment it’s not really possible. He’s unhappy and unstable and he apparently lets it out on me again.

we’ll see what happens next. we’ll see if he’s coming online or if he’s texting me today at all. If he’s not making a move i will do the same as last night. Wait until like 8 pm, then text him and asking him if everything is okay, tell him that i love him and add (didn’t do that last night), that if he needs me, needs to talk i am there. Also i will tell him, like last night, that i’ll give him the space he needs.

So back to the depression – i’ve put off writing about that to be honest.
i feel like shit especially since i feel like i need/should (i know the damn should-rule) feel happy. my brain simply can’t accept the fact, that it’s perfectly fine that i don’t feel great. That it’s even normal to feel depressed after a massive achievement.

i do have massive SH urges to deal with as well as my ED and the “voices” in my head.
i do make plans for the future though. i am planning on building a bigger desk for my Computer to add a working space for my Electronics Projects. i do have most things needed for my working space. There are just a few bits and pieces left i will get within the next few months as i earn money to add to my collection. The desk will be big enough to give me enough space to work on my stuff and to comfortably play my PC-games. which i’m looking forward to.

Also no matter what the future holds regarding my relationship with my Boyfriend i’m going to move as soon as possible with or without him because i hate my apartment and i hate the town i live in. i can afford a bigger apartment as soon as i start working and after lets say 3-6 months i will be able to safely move. If he’s going to leave me i will move alone and dedicate a room totally to my hobbies, decorate my apartment like i wish and be okay. Heartbroken but okay.
If he’s not leaving me and willing to move together and willing to arrange to get his papers transferred we will look into an apartment where we have a room for our hobbies and i will make sure i get one wall to decorate the way i want and need it. i am willing to make compromises, when it comes to moving together with him for his sake and i hope he is too…

i am not suicidal anymore and do have clear plans of how i want and need to live my life… That life’s a bitch and therefor things will always different from what you’ve planned is something i do keep in mind and calculate in to my plans.

wish me luck that i somehow find the magic solution to how to live my life instead of just surviving. Because i’m tired of just surviving all the time…

 

Dealing with upcoming final exams and everything around it

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi There,

The past week i’ve struggled a lot. On the 16th i will have to face the theory part of my final exams, which for me is the most stressful part. 

Beginning of June i only have the Oral exam regarding my practical project and documentation done about it. From Wednesday on i will only work on building my Binary Clock and my Documentation which has to be done by the 30th of this Month so that the examination-board can review it and put together questions for the 7th (oral exam)

Anyway the stress building up before the theory exam is really really massive.
Massive enough that i slipped and scratched my arm open. Twice… So far…
Got it looked at and will go back to the Doctor to get a new dressing for it.
my eating, as i mentioned before got really bad the past 3 weeks too. i cut out carbohydrates almost completely (only when i’m at my Boyfriends or get invited to lunch by my future boss every other Saturday (where i help out) i have to touch them otherwise i will avoid them completely. 
So in the past 4 weeks i’ve lost a lot of weight.
Not sure if i can get out of that extreme behavior after the stress of the exams or if the stress triggered my ED to the extreme and i can’t get out of it without help.

i just went to get my scratches to be looked at and the Medical Assistance’s as well as the Doctor both told me that they’ll be there if i need them. i got to talk a bit to the MA and she said she’s worried about me for the past few weeks (have to go there to get excused and to receive my injection once a week). It’s upsetting that i’m so dumb to show my weakness to people. i wish i could just keep it all in and deal with it myself. i do not want the attention by the people – well part of me apparently is crying for help even though i really try not to be an attention seeker since it causes more troubles than anything and it’s annoying. i just want to live my life being a bubbly, outgoing, well liked person but i am not. i am an annoying person who shouldn’t make a fuss.

Yesterday i had a slip up regarding scratching during lesson. We were talking about the exam on Tuesday and for some reason i went into a dissociation state and scratched underneath the bandage (the second time i scratched my arm open within a week as mentioned above). i couldn’t stop and that upset me even more afterwards.

i skip the first two lessons of today, simply because i had to see the doctor and secondly it’s English and i sure as heck don’t need that useless stress right now. Regarding English i am good to go for Tuesday. So to get through the last two lessons of today i decided to give myself some rest.

After school i will drive to my Boyfriend who doesn’t know about my arm yet. It will be interesting since i don’t know how to flipping approach the situation and what to say. When it was just one scratch i thought of protecting him and telling him i had an accident at work but now i can’t do that anymore with two of them. We’ll see… i’m scared that he may be angry with me but on the other hand he does know of my history regarding self-harm so he should be aware of the fact that this exam is messing with my head and with my recovery. i hope it’ll go well…

i so wish i could do more harm to my body at this point but having a Boyfriend prevents me from doing that because he’d want to talk it out and i don’t want to talk about stuff like that with anyone because i’ve been secretive my whole life about it. i can’t even explain to myself why i am such a failure how can one expect me to explain to them?

i don’t know how to get through the panic, the fear and the stress. i feel like passing out most of the time and it’s possible even. i’m such a weak person not being able to handle life like others can.

 

What has been going on?

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi there,

soooo again i haven’t posted in ages (one year)…

re-training, surviving and life have been so very demanding that i completely neglected this blog.

i started online counseling because i don’t have the time and i can’t find a suitable Therapist in my area at all. i stumbled across a page called https://www.betterhelp.com/ which provides online counseling for 45$ per week. i don’t know how to afford it yet but everything will fall into place – has to.
i got matched with a very awesome Counselor/Therapist and i am able to open up to her – funfact never have been open to any of my previous counselors/therapists – she’s very responsive and puts a lot of effort into responding, supporting and helping and she’s fun to write to as well because she gets my humor. One funny coincidence which i don’t think of as coincidence is that she mentioned the Lakota and we talked about them. Dads spirituality used to be Lakota. He wasn’t a native but was welcomed and accepted and actually has been more than just a Lakota. He was allowed to officiate my ex-husbands and my wedding. Anyway Before Dad i never even heard of the Lakota but since then everytime at important parts of my life (since Dads passing) i hear or read or see something about the Lakota. i believe it’s a sign, he’s still with me and taking care of me. i think he sent me over to that site and matched me with my counselor/therapist.

Today in a week i will have my written/theory finals and i am beyond good and evil. i almost completely stopped eating and lost a significant amount of weight (at least so much that people notice). i only eat lunch and dinner and that only because my best friends here at the re-training place make me. Otherwise i would probably have something very small and have some broth.
i know that without the energy of food i won’t be able to focus properly so on the day of my finals i will need to have breakfast and will take gummibears with me for the sugar/quick energy kick. Have to if i want to get through the finals somehow…

Sebastian and me are still together and believe me when i say that it wasn’t easy those past 1 1/2 years together with him. He was manipulating the relationship to the extend of me feeling unloved and like annoying crap.
Reason for it: He’s unemployed and because of his back injury  isn’t able to work which makes him falling deeper into depression and he feels unworthy of me. He wanted to make me to end it because he thinks i deserve better. It was a long, bumpy ride to teach him to stop that behavior and that i won’t leave him. In January we were actually separated because of our living situation and my job situation. He said he couldn’t move away from where he’s living because he made promises and i said i won’t move to him because of my new job (i’ll start in June if i pass my finals that is) and since i was kinda fed up with the whole situation and his behavior towards me i was pretty clear about my case.
i offered 4 solutions to the problem: First he moves – which he said, he couldn’t, second i move – which i said, i won’t, third we carry on with me driving to him every 2 weeks for a weekend – which i sad, we both don’t want and fourth: we separate – which i also said, neither one of us wants.
So we were talking for about four hours and at one point he said ” I always hoped for someone like you, who accepts me as I am and who tolerates my shortcomings. Who loves me and I am blowing it”
And towards the end of our conversation i said that this was it and i should pack my stuff and leave because i had to drive for quite some time to what he said that this all feels wrong.
He went quiet for a moment and said “I can’t let you go! We have to make this work out!”
So we’ll move together close to where I work, as soon as we have the necessary funds to do so. Since then he’s calmed down and treats me much better. Now we have a stable relationship although i still quite often get scared that he’d leave me all of a sudden (happened too often in the past) but i remind myself, whenever possible, that he decided to make this relationship work.

Funny thing i noticed: i never mentioned (or couldn’t find in my blog) that my Mom left my Stepfather in the middle of 2015 and that she moved out the day before Sebastian and me got together in September 2015.
She’s changed a lot since then and now i can talk to her about my mental health issues. NOW she understands and supports me. Something my Stepfather prevented by his existence.
i will mention/talk more about that whole situation another time but for now i’ll leave it at that. Let’s say that this whole event changed a lot and took a lot to get past because i was drawn into it way more than i was comfortable with.

Last night i sent out this blog to my counselor/therapist and she asked, why i haven’t continued to blog. Well that’s actually not that easy to answer. i felt like nothing is worth posting and no one is reading it anyway. i was overwhelmed with life and how stressed i was/still am and didn’t really think of writing it all down. i will TRY to write more often since it’s actually a good venting space since it is anonymous and i can let thoughts and feeling out.

For now i’ll end this post

 

Update and Apologies

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi there,

i know it’s been a very long time since i last posted something but life was so very eventful and busy but not everything entirely bad.

Summary:
i started my occupational re-training as an Electronics Technician for Systems and Devises a year ago. This re-training is a full qualification. After that re-training i could attend University and could get my Bachelor. Anyway it’s totally my cup of tea and i enjoy working with Electronic stuff.

Also love finally found me. His name is Sebastian and he is 4 months older than me. Sebastian helping me a lot even though we are both going through a lo at the moment.
Not everything is perfect, he can be a very impulsive person and that can be kinda tough to deal with.

i finally got diagnosed with an ED (A-Typical Anorexia), complex PTSD, Anxiety and Major Depression – That’s just the psychological stuff.
i have counseling sessions as well as support at my re-training place and that’s helping a lot! Though at the moment i’m having a set back…
i struggle with eating and the fear of gaining weight but i HAVE to flipping eat since i’m being watched by the team here – they want me to get better and support me the best they can and i am very grateful for that! It’s a pretty weird feeling to experience that though since i’ve never really had that ever before.
i’m pressuring myself to not show how much i really struggle – i know that’s not too good for my recovery, but i can’t change that at this point. i also struggle so much with the urge of properly harming myself and am not allowed to do that since people would worry esp. my Boyfriend… Arrrrrrgh that’s frustrating.

i used to be able to wear my mask and to be able to hide my anxiety from the rest of the world but unfortunately i can’t do this anymore. my friends here know exactly when i  struggle which on the one hand is helpful but on the other hand it’s annoying not to be able to pretend everything is okay.

Until 1 1/2 months ago i was driving each day to the re-training but i couldn’t handle that anymore, so i my Integration Rehabilitation Manager suggested i move into the boarding place here. This takes away lots of pressure and i can actually socialize with my friends from my class after lessons are over.
For whatever reason i’m top of my class and i pressure myself to keep that up. i hate my perfectionism.

i don’t know how i will be able to finish the re-training though. It’s so much stress and my emotions are a total rollercoaster.
i want to be able to be happy and to enjoy life but right now it’s really tough to do that…

Anyways lesson continues and i have to wrap this update up. i hope i will be able to keep you updated on my journey.

i will try to blog more often again about topics regarding mental health – if someone reads this and has questions or suggestions to future posts, don’t hesitate to comment!

i’m still here…

Hi there,

Yes, i’m still here. i had quite a lot going on which left me without energy to actually write a new post.

First of all i had a two-weeks orientation course to find out what i could do job-wise in the future. If the jobcenter agrees i will become an Electronics Technician for Devices and Systems.
The course was pretty difficult for me because of my anxieties and because i always try to be perfect at anything i attempts. i had to take a lot of written tests as well as practical ones. And i tended to be way above average at most of them which intimidated one guy in our group (the rest of the bunch was pretty awesome!). At lunch i couldn’t find the people i usually ate with so i went to “eat” with this poor excuse of a human being and another guy from our group (the other guy was really nice though). So that moron started pointing out that i was a woman and that i shouldn’t start my re-training at something i have no talent for because he saw how i dressed and what kind of handbag i was using and which book i was reading and that made me not having any talent in his eyes… SERIOUSLY?!? Well i tried to stay as calm and polite as possible but i still snapped at him. i explained that i got tested if i had any talent in the technical field and that he was discriminating me because i was female and i really tried to defend myself and every woman on this planet but he didn’t get it… It got even worse when he wouldn’t stop with this crap and i got more annoyed and a tad louder. At some point i apologized to him for having been snappy and that everyone has a bad day once in a while to which he responded with the most ridiculous crap i’ve heard in a very long time: “Well i can’t just get out and kill the next best person on the street and then apologize to everybody by saying “Sorry I’m having a bad day”, that’s just not working”
i basically told him that what he just said was ridiculous. After a couple of more minutes i grabbed my stuff and my cup and excused myself. Thankfully one Woman from my group was already done with lunch and about to leave the cafeteria at the same time as me. So i asked her if she’d mind me to join her. She asked what was wrong and i kinda exploded. i was so so so angry and upset. i know that i shouldn’t let people make me feel that way but i am not very successful at that…

my eating got worse – restricting massively but i also have 1200 cal days once in a while. i’ve lost enough weight for others to notice, which is good but not good enough yet.

i discovered new music for myself which helps me to stay sane enough to function but unfortunately also kinda partly serves as a bad role-model. The Carpenters… i love their work especially Karen Carpenters voice. She was so very talented and apparently also a wonderful person. i can relate to so much of what she’s been through – apart from being famous, being talented, being beautiful and being rich of course…

Easter and Pre-Easter

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi there,

What’s been going on here this past week? Well pretty spontaneously my youngest sister (11) called me and asked if she could visit me for a few days and because i know how much she loves it here and how much she always enjoys herself i couldn’t say no.
When she first called me she said something pretty concerning “I’m on a diet” For dippedy sake, she ELEVEN! i talked  to her about it and how important it is to eat healthy and not to skip meals. On Wednesday i picked her up with an empty stomach (just some coffee and water in it). 1 1/2 hour drive to get there and by the time i arrived i was ready to go back to bed and sleep. i put some make-up on because i looked like hell since i woke up with a migraine anyway… i almost never wear any sort of make-up simply because i think it’s not worth the time and effort…
Anyway, eventually my Sister and me were on the way back home to my place. i was freaking out before picking her up because of my eating habits and absolutely had no clue what to do and how to hide it from her or even how to be a good role-model… For some weird reason i spontaneously decided to talk to her about my food issues… i explained to her that i simply can’t eat and that i’m sick and that if she should never start with any of that. That she should always enjoy the food she loves and just keeps up a balanced “diet”. i also said to her that if she ever feels bad, needs support or ANYTHING like that she could ALWAYS call me, text me or whatever and that i will always support her and not judge her and that i will always be there for her. i tried to explain Eating disorders to her as good as possible and also the bad effects they have and that they are horrible for the person suffering from it. i also told her how beautiful she was and that there was nothing that needs to be changed about her.
i asked a couple of people i’m now friends with on Katimorton.com and they said i did the right thing… i just simply didn’t want her to worry without knowing what’s going on and i also didn’t want to be a bad role-model by making her think, that what i was doing was normal and perfectly fine and something to imitate. i still worried her and i think i still overwhelmed her. She had a good time here though! i prepared food for her and i myself kept on eating my own stuff. We also had fun roller-blading and stuff.

i told my Stepmother not to bring any sweets/candy for Easter since i was on a diet but when they picked my youngest Sister up she brought something anyway
“I know you said you were on a diet but a little bit doesn’t hurt and it’s Easter”
i KNOW she meant well and it was sweet of her to try to do something nice for me esp. since she doesn’t know how much i struggle but it also was the worst she could do since i obsessed over it for about an hour after they left and then i couldn’t hold myself back and ate all of it at once and afterwards i went into the bathroom to get rid of it again and it was disgusting. i couldn’t get all of it out and i was disgusted because i couldn’t hold myself back and because i got rid of that stuff.
Before that happened my middle Sister and her Boyfriend were also there to say Hi to our Dad and Stepmother. After my Dad, Stepmother and youngest Sister left i packed lots of food for my middle Sister and her Boyfriend to take with them. It was mostly unhealthy ready meal stuff and i packed about three big bags full of that crap so that i won’t be tempted to eat it myself in a binge at some point.
my middle Sister really doesn’t suspect anything… She seems to be oblivious to my struggles – i guess that’s a good thing.
Last evening i was at my parents for dinner and i ate a bit – It was safe enough to keep it in this time but i left immediately after dinner still though. Thank goodness i can skip family dinner tonight because they are going to have lamb and i detest that anyway. So there just will be tomorrow – my middle Sisters Birthday and i’ll somehow have to tackle the flipping cake somehow… i asked my Mom what kind of cake my middle Sister wanted and it will be a chocolate one… i said that i won’t have any because of my diet and my Mom was like “It’s a Birthday cake and the next Birthday will be in August, so you can eat just a little bit at least” i’m scared as heck thinking about it… At least the dinner will be semi-safe… Pot-Barley Salad with meat-balls… i can eat as less as i dare (in that house you have to eat something – that’s always been a big issue for me)…
Anyway those past few days have been pretty intense for me (again) and will continue to be…
That’s all for now…
Oooooh before i forget: i finally fit into most of my old jeans again, which is awesome!

my Relationship With Food

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi there,

i feel like i need to kinda explain my relationship with food here… i keep mentioning food too much in almost every post so i think it’s a good idea to give it it’s own post…

i’ve always been a weird human being. Born only two weeks early (according to what the Dr. said) i still was extremely tiny. As Baby i wouldn’t drink properly and take ages to finish the tiniest bit of milk. When i got older i was kinda picky with food. i tried everything except the smell was unbearable for me. Sometimes when i wouldn’t eat what my Dad cooked he would “feed” me aka shove food down my throat… i know it was him being desperate and worried…
There were years, where i would eat fairly normal and there were years i would eat so much junk food that i gained too much weight. And after my Stepdad and others made fun of me and insulted me and bullied me i started to diet. It was all under control and i never went to any extreme regarding that when i was a teenager.
The first time things got a bit more intense was when i was working in England as Nanny. i fell in love with a friend and knew this person wouldn’t return my feelings and i felt horrible. i completely stopped eating for 5 days and i would have carried on like that if it wouldn’t have been for my former friend/boss who said she’d take me to hospital if i wouldn’t start eating again. And ever since my eating habits have been weird. i would go from starving to eating to restricting. But before now i’d never really count calories…
When i worked at the airport i wouldn’t eat enough and the job was enough exercise to lose a lot of weight. my co-workers would compliment me for having lost that much weight. After i lost my job in September i began eating way way way too much and gained a lot of weight again.
For the past few weeks i started eating less and less and started to obsess about it. i now count calories and if i have to eat proper food (like when i have to eat at my parents house – i can’t skip that because they would get suspicious) i would leave pretty much right after dinner to get home to get it out of my system again – as much of it as possible at least.
my Diet at home consists of Ricecakes, cucumbers, vegetable broth (sometimes) and some broccoli – don’t get me wrong i mostly eat only Ricecakes… Between 400-800 calories a day. i try to get as low as possible but i can’t completely starve myself for some weird reason… Still i don’t think i have and EATING DISORDER; i have a very difficult and strange relationship with food and always had. There are things i would love to eat but can’t. i enjoy the taste but i can’t stand it being in my stomach. It makes me sick thinking all of that crap will turn into fat… i am sick of being fat. Don’t get me wrong (again) i’m really not underweight. Seriously i am not!
i weigh myself at least once every day (had to get a new scale because my old one broke – thanks kitties, love you too).
i’m sure i can start eating properly again when i’m at my goal weight and also stop purging then… i just need to lose all that fat that’s too much…
i’m sure there would be much more to say about this but i make it short now… Bye until my next post…

Pure Jealousy?

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi there,

Those past few days i have been thinking a lot about my relationship with my younger sister. i do love her and i would do anything for her BUT i have to admit, that i’m also extremely jealous of her… i’m proud of what she’s achieved so far but with every single tiny achievement she shows me what a massive failure i am…

Her life follows a fairly straight line, while mine has always been filled with curves and detours.
In the German school-system there are three main forms which are Hauptschule (9th grade secondary school graduation) , Realschule (10th grade secondary school graduation – In the UK this would be GCSE) and Gymnasium (Academic High-school diploma – University-entrance diploma – In the UK A-Levels).
my whole school-life i’ve been struggling with grades mostly because i felt like nothing i tried and did was good enough so i simply didn’t do things like preparing for tests or homework or anything like that… i just simply never did anything for school but somehow managed to get through it without ever having to repeat a year. Anyway in year six they had to decide which school-form i should be visiting from 7th grade on and because of my lack of ambition they wanted me to attend Hauptschule i fought for being allowed to attend Realschule instead and promised that i would be able to do it. In the end i was second best in my class.
my Sister had struggled in elementary school a bit but then went to attend Gymnasium (she had to leave there though because the pressure was too much and she also got bullied) but after achieving her Realschulabschluss and successfully finishing her job-training she went back to school for her Abitur (not a full one but still she got it) NOW she’s at University.
Me on the other side TRIED to get my Abitur but failed then i tried to become a nurse and failed then i successfully finished my jobtraining as a medical assistant to fail again afterwards by loosing two jobs within 7 months. In total i got fired or didn’t get a permanent contract 6x compared to me quitting 4x. Also i worked in so many different jobs (which is not that common here in Germany). i worked at a Supermarket, two hospitals, at a GP, as Live-In Nanny, as a mobile Carer, a Carer for people with Alzheimer’s or Dementia in a closed facility, a laboratory assistant, a Nursery Nurse, a Service Agent and i thinks that’s about it. When i apply for jobs they keep asking me why i had so many different jobs and and i try to be clever and say i wanted to gain experience in all those fields and that i always take the opportunities, when they come… Yeah… Sure…
Okay i have gained a lot of experience in a lot of different jobs and that actually IS an advantage to some extent but still UGH. It’s not that i wasn’t good at what i was doing. In most of these jobs i would give 200% until i would break down. i would get sick a lot – three exceptions in terms of getting sick too often: Nanny, Nursery Nurse and Service Agent) As Nanny i couldn’t afford it to get sick because i was living in the same house and i was only sick twice that year the rest of the time i functioned. As Nursery Nurse i was sick two whole days – One with Migraine and the second one when my husband left me and as Service Agent i always came to work no matter how i felt. THEY would send me home when they saw how bad i was even with my flipping herniated disc i went to work and pushed people around in a wheelchair until one of my co-workers called my supervisors and the three of them who were there that day sent me home to recover.
my Sister is better at singing, playing the guitar (i really suck at it), at drawing and painting, at life in general. She’s got a sweet boyfriend who loves her. She’s thinner than me. She is better at anything. The only things i’m “better” at are that i’m more sensitive and more empathetic and i can knit and crotchet which she can’t. Other than that i’m a plain and simple failure. She’ll go her way. i have to admit though as proud as i am of her as jealous i am. i want her to be happy and healthy and successful but every-time i see her or talk to her i get reminded that i’m a big failure and that she’s so much better at everything than i can ever be (maybe not at being thin in the future though). Her arrogance and ignorance doesn’t help that much either…

Having to function while feeling like crying

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi to whoever might read this,

Those past few days have been really hard to get through. my Stepdad is in the hospital (nothing bad just a replaced shoulder joint replacement – everything went well and he’ll be out of hospital tomorrow). So i worried about that of course… i had to eat at my Mom’s Friday, Saturday and Sunday and that a lone was hard enough. i’ve been eating nothing but Ricecakes and then i had to eat a fairly normal portion of food every day. UGH!
my Sister is going to University but for the past three weeks, she was off and at home. She tends to be arrogant quite a lot and thinks the world turns around her. As i said in one of my earlier posts, she’s got to deal with a lot herself but simply doesn’t understand mental illness or Hyper Sensitive People. So after we got back from the hospital yesterday, she went back to her room and didn’t come out until dinner. Before she disappeared into her room she said she wanted to leave early enough because she didn’t want to arrive past 8pm. Anyway my Mom and me decided to watch a movie and because of that my Mom started dinner a little bit later than planned (maybe ten minutes). After dinner my Sister went back into her room to get all her stuff together and i turned the movie back on. She came back down and the loaded her stuff into the car. She came back in and flew at me saying among other things that because of the fu***ing movie she would leave later than she wanted and out she went. i said goodbye and didn’t receive ANY response so my Mom went after her and calmed her down. i on the other hand couldn’t stop crying because i was angry and sad. She just left without saying another word. i did vent though, expressing to my Mom that my Sisters attitude desperately needs to change. Later that night she texted me apologizing but because i was still mad i didn’t get back to her until this afternoon.
Yesterday was fu**ed up anyway… Woke up feeling crappy and not matter how much i tried to distract myself i couldn’t help but failing once again. i really did try! But it seems like my head wants to prove that the more i fight SH or other counterproductive behaviors the less successful i’ll be. In the past, when i was able to mostly stop with harmful behaviors, things around me were better. Like having a job for example or just the right people at the right time improving my life the right way. i’m incapable of feeling good without massive improvements in my life and my life won’t improve that quick – miracles do happen, but not to me or they get destroyed pretty quickly again. i’ve tried so damn much, i really have but life simply hates me… All i want is fairly stable surroundings to recover and then live a normal positive great life with a family to care for. Won’t happen for me – i tried, worked on in, worked on myself but apparently i’m too dumb to do so…
Another thing that happened yesterday was that i talked to my Mom about therapists and mental health and her opinion is: Therapists are useless. In her opinion all you need to feel happy are friends. She said lots of more things but seriously? Things will never change, will they?
i know i could have it a lot worse. i could be homeless, terminally ill or completely alone but my little tiny crap problems are enough for me to deal with – actually too much. Most have to deal with way worse things i am aware of that and that i’m a complaining cry-baby is also nothing new to me.
i have to function though because almost no one here would understand me or if they would, they’d be way too worried for my liking. so i’m venting here even if my posts don’t make any sense…
if i eat other things than my Ricecakes i’ll get rid of it. I hate how my thoughts circle around those things i really detest it.
enough crap from me now…
Need to distract myself now…

Happy Face… i’m fine?

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

In this post i will just vent, sharing what’s going on in my head because i can’t see another way of letting it out. So if you’re not interested in my weird thoughts you better stop reading here…

Lately i roughly sleep 2-5 hours per night, which certainly is not enough. my emotional state keeps me awake and i tried everything so far. The lack of sleep doesn’t help my emotional state so this sucks… Anyway instead of improving i seem to get worse and worse and i keep failing. At least i put on a happy face for everyone else. The other day while on my way to my parents for dinner (ugh) i created a new song “No one needs to know how i really feel like, putting on my happy face. No one will see how i feel inside, putting on my happy face…Keep pretending, that i’m happy, putting on my happy face” Yeah…
Well with my family i HAVE to put on my happy because they simply do not get mental illness. In their opinion you just need to get your crap together and snap out of it. Pull yourself together and you will feel fine – yeah it’s not going to work like this… i tried to explain it – esp. to my Mom – many times but her attitude won’t change simply because it works for her.
Because of all my issues i have a massive problem opening up to people directly (another reason why i started this blog). Usually i’m not really lying if people ask me how i am doing but i will either not respond to it and ask them how they are doing instead (works fairly well with certain people) or i will respond with “i’m tired”. Unless i’m talking to someone who needs help or someone i don’t trust i will lie and tell them “i’m fine” or “i’m okay”. Another reason why i can’t open up to people (unless they are very persistent or i am very desperate): i don’t want to always be the downer. i’m fed up with that. i wish i was the happy coco. i wish i was fun to be with (well when i put on my happy face i can be fun to be with – i laugh and smile and interact but it’s not how i really feel like inside).

i’ve checked out available therapists and wasn’t surprised to find out there are not many therapists in my area to begin with not to mention most of them have bad ratings and the others have waiting lists till the end of the year. So nope a therapist really isn’t an option at this point… i’m not suicidal. Well i do WANT to live and when those thoughts come up i can pretty successfully push them out of my mind. That doesn’t work with Self Harm though. i’ve been fighting using all coping skills i could think of but… ugh… my eating habits are horrible too. As i said in one of my previous posts i’m certain i don’t have an eating disorder but i sure as hell don’t behave healthy either. i need to lose weight and i’m working towards it. Ricecakes are my best friends at the moment. i’m restricting and when i have to eat other things than Ricecakes and get the chance to i’ll purge. Damn me… gosh i really do hate myself.
Also i feel like people are avoiding me. People not knowing me seem to avoid and or ignore me. i can’t imagine having done anything wrong but my presence must already tick them off. i come online, people are disappearing immediately, i comment on something and get ignored where others receive responses. i know i’m not worth getting liked or even loved but seriously? i ONCE flipping dare to reach a little tiny bit and this happens. Thank you but reaching out directly simply doesn’t work for me. It does for others i guess apparently but for me it doesn’t – fair enough i’ll stick with ignoring my own needs and being solely there for others. That’s the only thing i’m good at, listening and being there for others. F**k the rest. Everyone else is worth getting happy, healthy but certainly not me. i don’t matter at all nor should i. i will carry on functioning and pretending to be the person my family wants to see (even though i always fail at that too…), my friends need and life will continue as always…
Enough from me now – Sorry for this weird post but i simply needed to get it out SOMEWHERE!