Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!
Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!
i’ve passed my theory finals. i JUST passed them without having to get into the Oral verification exam.
So i should be happy right? well as my therapist would put it: It’s a should rule and should rules aren’t helpful.
People think i am happy and about passing i am happy but for some reason i can’t explain, it left me with a depression. That my Boyfriend isn’t really responsive since i passed doesn’t help but i will get to that later in this post.
So i passed and it’s taken away the whole stress, which is a weird feeling after weeks and months of constant pressure and stress up to the point of total insanity. i have to get used to the “back-to-normal-anxiety” state, which is hard for me to do.
Just because i passed the hardest part of the finals (the practical part is a piece of cake) doesn’t mean that all my problems are solved and my issues just disappeared.
i have to give credit to the stress making my ED way worse and since the stress-level is back to my normal state i do have cravings and feel hungry. i do eat more and i can’t accept that really i hate it, i hate eating again as much as i hated starving to the point of almost eating nothing. It seems like i can’t please my brain with anything i do and that’s upsetting. i hoped that the “voices” would calm down but instead they now yell even louder and i am upset, that i can’t control my food intake as much as i did, when i was extremely stressed and under pressure. i feel like a pig the whole time and couldn’t help it to misuse laxatives although i KNOW they are not helping to lose weight or to even get rid of the food i’ve consumed.
my Therapist suggested to try to accept each behavior without beating myself up over it. Eating, not eating. Harming myself, not harming myself. Not using laxative, using laxatives (or diet pills in that respect). So to work with it rather than beating myself up over it and causing more turmoil in my brain.
That’s at least how i am interpreting her words…
Now to the topic of my Boyfriend…
He’s quite a handful (actually two very big handfuls).
Since i’ve passed my theory exam he became quite distant. my exam is not the only reason for it though. In the past week he had an appointment where they discussed the possibility of him doing a re-training. Apparently they told him that he can do one but he has to do it, where he lives at the moment which means that our moving together would get delayed for at least 2 years, probably even 3… He said if they offered him the re-training he would take it and i said of course he’d take it. But it seems like he’s struggling with the thought of our future together if he’s starting the re-training. i told him to ask if it was possible to get his papers transferred to where i live, so that he might be able to do the training where i live and we could move together after all. He might ask them…
Anyway i can’t move to him because i do have a job and i am not going to just move away from that, risking not finding a new one esp. in an area of Germany where it’s hard to find a job to begin with. The infrastructure where he lives sucks massively and i’m not willing to move to that area at all anymore. That’s also because of his instability. i’m not risking him treating me badly up there, where i can’t just get out and have somebody to turn to. He’s been treating me emotionally bad in the past and i’m not willing to let him do that again without having a support network close by.
If we move together i’ll make sure he’s going to create a support network for himself, so he won’t have to deal with everything alone. i want him to be happy and content and the way he lives his life at the moment it’s not really possible. He’s unhappy and unstable and he apparently lets it out on me again.
we’ll see what happens next. we’ll see if he’s coming online or if he’s texting me today at all. If he’s not making a move i will do the same as last night. Wait until like 8 pm, then text him and asking him if everything is okay, tell him that i love him and add (didn’t do that last night), that if he needs me, needs to talk i am there. Also i will tell him, like last night, that i’ll give him the space he needs.
So back to the depression – i’ve put off writing about that to be honest.
i feel like shit especially since i feel like i need/should (i know the damn should-rule) feel happy. my brain simply can’t accept the fact, that it’s perfectly fine that i don’t feel great. That it’s even normal to feel depressed after a massive achievement.
i do have massive SH urges to deal with as well as my ED and the “voices” in my head.
i do make plans for the future though. i am planning on building a bigger desk for my Computer to add a working space for my Electronics Projects. i do have most things needed for my working space. There are just a few bits and pieces left i will get within the next few months as i earn money to add to my collection. The desk will be big enough to give me enough space to work on my stuff and to comfortably play my PC-games. which i’m looking forward to.
Also no matter what the future holds regarding my relationship with my Boyfriend i’m going to move as soon as possible with or without him because i hate my apartment and i hate the town i live in. i can afford a bigger apartment as soon as i start working and after lets say 3-6 months i will be able to safely move. If he’s going to leave me i will move alone and dedicate a room totally to my hobbies, decorate my apartment like i wish and be okay. Heartbroken but okay.
If he’s not leaving me and willing to move together and willing to arrange to get his papers transferred we will look into an apartment where we have a room for our hobbies and i will make sure i get one wall to decorate the way i want and need it. i am willing to make compromises, when it comes to moving together with him for his sake and i hope he is too…
i am not suicidal anymore and do have clear plans of how i want and need to live my life… That life’s a bitch and therefor things will always different from what you’ve planned is something i do keep in mind and calculate in to my plans.
wish me luck that i somehow find the magic solution to how to live my life instead of just surviving. Because i’m tired of just surviving all the time…