Update and Apologies

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

 

Hi there,

i know it’s been a very long time since i last posted something but life was so very eventful and busy but not everything entirely bad.

Summary:
i started my occupational re-training as an Electronics Technician for Systems and Devises a year ago. This re-training is a full qualification. After that re-training i could attend University and could get my Bachelor. Anyway it’s totally my cup of tea and i enjoy working with Electronic stuff.

Also love finally found me. His name is Sebastian and he is 4 months older than me. Sebastian helping me a lot even though we are both going through a lo at the moment.
Not everything is perfect, he can be a very impulsive person and that can be kinda tough to deal with. The other negative thing is, that he doesn’t notice the fact, that he thinks that he

i finally got diagnosed with an ED (A-Typical Anorexia), complex PTSD, Anxiety and Major Depression – That’s just the psychological stuff.
i get therapy as well as support at my re-training place and that’s helping a lot! Though at the moment i’m having a set back…
i struggle with eating and the fear of gaining weight but i HAVE to flipping eat since i’m being watched by the team here – they want me to get better and support me the best they can and i am very grateful for that! It’s a pretty weird feeling to experience that though since i’ve never really had that ever before.
i’m pressuring myself to not show how much i really struggle – i know that’s not too good for my recovery, but i can’t change that at this point. i also struggle so much with the urge of properly harming myself and am not allowed to do that since people would worry esp. my Boyfriend… Arrrrrrgh that’s frustrating.

i used to be able to wear my mask and to be able to hide my anxiety from the rest of the world but unfortunately i can’t do this anymore. my friends here know exactly when i  struggle which on the one hand is helpful but on the other hand it’s annoying not to be able to pretend everything is okay.

Until 1 1/2 months ago i was driving each day to the re-training but i couldn’t handle that anymore, so i my Integration Rehabilitation Manager suggested i move into the boarding place here. This takes away lots of pressure and i can actually socialize with my friends from my class after lessons are over.
For whatever reason i’m op of my class and i pressure myself to keep that up. i hate my perfectionism.

i don’t know how i will be able to finish the re-training though. It’s so much stress and my emotions are a total rollercoaster.
i want to be able to be happy and to enjoy life but right now it’s really tough to do that…

Anyways lesson continues and i have to wrap this update up. i hope i will be able to keep you updated on my journey.

i will try to blog more often again about topics regarding mental health – if someone reads this and has questions or suggestions to future posts, don’t hesitate to comment!

 

 

Easter and Pre-Easter

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi there,

What’s been going on here this past week? Well pretty spontaneously my youngest sister (11) called me and asked if she could visit me for a few days and because i know how much she loves it here and how much she always enjoys herself i couldn’t say no.
When she first called me she said something pretty concerning “I’m on a diet” For dippedy sake, she ELEVEN! i talked  to her about it and how important it is to eat healthy and not to skip meals. On Wednesday i picked her up with an empty stomach (just some coffee and water in it). 1 1/2 hour drive to get there and by the time i arrived i was ready to go back to bed and sleep. i put some make-up on because i looked like hell since i woke up with a migraine anyway… i almost never wear any sort of make-up simply because i think it’s not worth the time and effort…
Anyway, eventually my Sister and me were on the way back home to my place. i was freaking out before picking her up because of my eating habits and absolutely had no clue what to do and how to hide it from her or even how to be a good role-model… For some weird reason i spontaneously decided to talk to her about my food issues… i explained to her that i simply can’t eat and that i’m sick and that if she should never start with any of that. That she should always enjoy the food she loves and just keeps up a balanced “diet”. i also said to her that if she ever feels bad, needs support or ANYTHING like that she could ALWAYS call me, text me or whatever and that i will always support her and not judge her and that i will always be there for her. i tried to explain Eating disorders to her as good as possible and also the bad effects they have and that they are horrible for the person suffering from it. i also told her how beautiful she was and that there was nothing that needs to be changed about her.
i asked a couple of people i’m now friends with on Katimorton.com and they said i did the right thing… i just simply didn’t want her to worry without knowing what’s going on and i also didn’t want to be a bad role-model by making her think, that what i was doing was normal and perfectly fine and something to imitate. i still worried her and i think i still overwhelmed her. She had a good time here though! i prepared food for her and i myself kept on eating my own stuff. We also had fun roller-blading and stuff.

i told my Stepmother not to bring any sweets/candy for Easter since i was on a diet but when they picked my youngest Sister up she brought something anyway
“I know you said you were on a diet but a little bit doesn’t hurt and it’s Easter”
i KNOW she meant well and it was sweet of her to try to do something nice for me esp. since she doesn’t know how much i struggle but it also was the worst she could do since i obsessed over it for about an hour after they left and then i couldn’t hold myself back and ate all of it at once and afterwards i went into the bathroom to get rid of it again and it was disgusting. i couldn’t get all of it out and i was disgusted because i couldn’t hold myself back and because i got rid of that stuff.
Before that happened my middle Sister and her Boyfriend were also there to say Hi to our Dad and Stepmother. After my Dad, Stepmother and youngest Sister left i packed lots of food for my middle Sister and her Boyfriend to take with them. It was mostly unhealthy ready meal stuff and i packed about three big bags full of that crap so that i won’t be tempted to eat it myself in a binge at some point.
my middle Sister really doesn’t suspect anything… She seems to be oblivious to my struggles – i guess that’s a good thing.
Last evening i was at my parents for dinner and i ate a bit – It was safe enough to keep it in this time but i left immediately after dinner still though. Thank goodness i can skip family dinner tonight because they are going to have lamb and i detest that anyway. So there just will be tomorrow – my middle Sisters Birthday and i’ll somehow have to tackle the flipping cake somehow… i asked my Mom what kind of cake my middle Sister wanted and it will be a chocolate one… i said that i won’t have any because of my diet and my Mom was like “It’s a Birthday cake and the next Birthday will be in August, so you can eat just a little bit at least” i’m scared as heck thinking about it… At least the dinner will be semi-safe… Pot-Barley Salad with meat-balls… i can eat as less as i dare (in that house you have to eat something – that’s always been a big issue for me)…
Anyway those past few days have been pretty intense for me (again) and will continue to be…
That’s all for now…
Oooooh before i forget: i finally fit into most of my old jeans again, which is awesome!

my Relationship With Food

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi there,

i feel like i need to kinda explain my relationship with food here… i keep mentioning food too much in almost every post so i think it’s a good idea to give it it’s own post…

i’ve always been a weird human being. Born only two weeks early (according to what the Dr. said) i still was extremely tiny. As Baby i wouldn’t drink properly and take ages to finish the tiniest bit of milk. When i got older i was kinda picky with food. i tried everything except the smell was unbearable for me. Sometimes when i wouldn’t eat what my Dad cooked he would “feed” me aka shove food down my throat… i know it was him being desperate and worried…
There were years, where i would eat fairly normal and there were years i would eat so much junk food that i gained too much weight. And after my Stepdad and others made fun of me and insulted me and bullied me i started to diet. It was all under control and i never went to any extreme regarding that when i was a teenager.
The first time things got a bit more intense was when i was working in England as Nanny. i fell in love with a friend and knew this person wouldn’t return my feelings and i felt horrible. i completely stopped eating for 5 days and i would have carried on like that if it wouldn’t have been for my former friend/boss who said she’d take me to hospital if i wouldn’t start eating again. And ever since my eating habits have been weird. i would go from starving to eating to restricting. But before now i’d never really count calories…
When i worked at the airport i wouldn’t eat enough and the job was enough exercise to lose a lot of weight. my co-workers would compliment me for having lost that much weight. After i lost my job in September i began eating way way way too much and gained a lot of weight again.
For the past few weeks i started eating less and less and started to obsess about it. i now count calories and if i have to eat proper food (like when i have to eat at my parents house – i can’t skip that because they would get suspicious) i would leave pretty much right after dinner to get home to get it out of my system again – as much of it as possible at least.
my Diet at home consists of Ricecakes, cucumbers, vegetable broth (sometimes) and some broccoli – don’t get me wrong i mostly eat only Ricecakes… Between 400-800 calories a day. i try to get as low as possible but i can’t completely starve myself for some weird reason… Still i don’t think i have and EATING DISORDER; i have a very difficult and strange relationship with food and always had. There are things i would love to eat but can’t. i enjoy the taste but i can’t stand it being in my stomach. It makes me sick thinking all of that crap will turn into fat… i am sick of being fat. Don’t get me wrong (again) i’m really not underweight. Seriously i am not!
i weigh myself at least once every day (had to get a new scale because my old one broke – thanks kitties, love you too).
i’m sure i can start eating properly again when i’m at my goal weight and also stop purging then… i just need to lose all that fat that’s too much…
i’m sure there would be much more to say about this but i make it short now… Bye until my next post…

Pure Jealousy?

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi there,

Those past few days i have been thinking a lot about my relationship with my younger sister. i do love her and i would do anything for her BUT i have to admit, that i’m also extremely jealous of her… i’m proud of what she’s achieved so far but with every single tiny achievement she shows me what a massive failure i am…

Her life follows a fairly straight line, while mine has always been filled with curves and detours.
In the German school-system there are three main forms which are Hauptschule (9th grade secondary school graduation) , Realschule (10th grade secondary school graduation – In the UK this would be GCSE) and Gymnasium (Academic High-school diploma – University-entrance diploma – In the UK A-Levels).
my whole school-life i’ve been struggling with grades mostly because i felt like nothing i tried and did was good enough so i simply didn’t do things like preparing for tests or homework or anything like that… i just simply never did anything for school but somehow managed to get through it without ever having to repeat a year. Anyway in year six they had to decide which school-form i should be visiting from 7th grade on and because of my lack of ambition they wanted me to attend Hauptschule i fought for being allowed to attend Realschule instead and promised that i would be able to do it. In the end i was second best in my class.
my Sister had struggled in elementary school a bit but then went to attend Gymnasium (she had to leave there though because the pressure was too much and she also got bullied) but after achieving her Realschulabschluss and successfully finishing her job-training she went back to school for her Abitur (not a full one but still she got it) NOW she’s at University.
Me on the other side TRIED to get my Abitur but failed then i tried to become a nurse and failed then i successfully finished my jobtraining as a medical assistant to fail again afterwards by loosing two jobs within 7 months. In total i got fired or didn’t get a permanent contract 6x compared to me quitting 4x. Also i worked in so many different jobs (which is not that common here in Germany). i worked at a Supermarket, two hospitals, at a GP, as Live-In Nanny, as a mobile Carer, a Carer for people with Alzheimer’s or Dementia in a closed facility, a laboratory assistant, a Nursery Nurse, a Service Agent and i thinks that’s about it. When i apply for jobs they keep asking me why i had so many different jobs and and i try to be clever and say i wanted to gain experience in all those fields and that i always take the opportunities, when they come… Yeah… Sure…
Okay i have gained a lot of experience in a lot of different jobs and that actually IS an advantage to some extent but still UGH. It’s not that i wasn’t good at what i was doing. In most of these jobs i would give 200% until i would break down. i would get sick a lot – three exceptions in terms of getting sick too often: Nanny, Nursery Nurse and Service Agent) As Nanny i couldn’t afford it to get sick because i was living in the same house and i was only sick twice that year the rest of the time i functioned. As Nursery Nurse i was sick two whole days – One with Migraine and the second one when my husband left me and as Service Agent i always came to work no matter how i felt. THEY would send me home when they saw how bad i was even with my flipping herniated disc i went to work and pushed people around in a wheelchair until one of my co-workers called my supervisors and the three of them who were there that day sent me home to recover.
my Sister is better at singing, playing the guitar (i really suck at it), at drawing and painting at life in general. She’s got a sweet boyfriend who loves her. She’s thinner than me. She is better at anything. The only things i’m “better” at are that i’m more sensitive and more empathetic and i can knit and crotchet which she can’t. Other than that i’m a plain and simple failure. She’ll go her way. i have to admit though as proud as i am of her as jealous i am. i want her to be happy and healthy and successful but every-time i see her or talk to her i get reminded that i’m a big failure and that she’s so much better at everything than i can ever be (maybe not at being thin in the future though). Her arrogance and ignorance doesn’t help that much either…

Having to function while feeling like crying

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi to whoever might read this,

Those past few days have been really hard to get through. my Stepdad is in the hospital (nothing bad just a replaced shoulder joint replacement – everything went well and he’ll be out of hospital tomorrow). So i worried about that of course… i had to eat at my Mom’s Friday, Saturday and Sunday and that a lone was hard enough. i’ve been eating nothing but Ricecakes and then i had to eat a fairly normal portion of food every day. UGH!
my Sister is going to University but for the past three weeks, she was off and at home. She tends to be arrogant quite a lot and thinks the world turns around her. As i said in one of my earlier posts, she’s got to deal with a lot herself but simply doesn’t understand mental illness or Hyper Sensitive People. So after we got back from the hospital yesterday, she went back to her room and didn’t come out until dinner. Before she disappeared into her room she said she wanted to leave early enough because she didn’t want to arrive past 8pm. Anyway my Mom and me decided to watch a movie and because of that my Mom started dinner a little bit later than planned (maybe ten minutes). After dinner my Sister went back into her room to get all her stuff together and i turned the movie back on. She came back down and the loaded her stuff into the car. She came back in and flew at me saying among other things that because of the fu***ing movie she would leave later than she wanted and out she went. i said goodbye and didn’t receive ANY response so my Mom went after her and calmed her down. i on the other hand couldn’t stop crying because i was angry and sad. She just left without saying another word. i did vent though, expressing to my Mom that my Sisters attitude desperately needs to change. Later that night she texted me apologizing but because i was still mad i didn’t get back to her until this afternoon.
Yesterday was fu**ed up anyway… Woke up feeling crappy and not matter how much i tried to distract myself i couldn’t help but failing once again. i really did try! But it seems like my head wants to prove that the more i fight SH or other counterproductive behaviors the less successful i’ll be. In the past, when i was able to mostly stop with harmful behaviors, things around me were better. Like having a job for example or just the right people at the right time improving my life the right way. i’m incapable of feeling good without massive improvements in my life and my life won’t improve that quick – miracles do happen, but not to me or they get destroyed pretty quickly again. i’ve tried so damn much, i really have but life simply hates me… All i want is fairly stable surroundings to recover and then live a normal positive great life with a family to care for. Won’t happen for me – i tried, worked on in, worked on myself but apparently i’m too dumb to do so…
Another thing that happened yesterday was that i talked to my Mom about therapists and mental health and her opinion is: Therapists are useless. In her opinion all you need to feel happy are friends. She said lots of more things but seriously? Things will never change, will they?
i know i could have it a lot worse. i could be homeless, terminally ill or completely alone but my little tiny crap problems are enough for me to deal with – actually too much. Most have to deal with way worse things i am aware of that and that i’m a complaining cry-baby is also nothing new to me.
i have to function though because almost no one here would understand me or if they would, they’d be way too worried for my liking. so i’m venting here even if my posts don’t make any sense…
if i eat other things than my Ricecakes i’ll get rid of it. I hate how my thoughts circle around those things i really detest it.
enough crap from me now…
Need to distract myself now…

Happy Face… i’m fine?

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

In this post i will just vent, sharing what’s going on in my head because i can’t see another way of letting it out. So if you’re not interested in my weird thoughts you better stop reading here…

Lately i roughly sleep 2-5 hours per night, which certainly is not enough. my emotional state keeps me awake and i tried everything so far. The lack of sleep doesn’t help my emotional state so this sucks… Anyway instead of improving i seem to get worse and worse and i keep failing. At least i put on a happy face for everyone else. The other day while on my way to my parents for dinner (ugh) i created a new song “No one needs to know how i really feel like, putting on my happy face. No one will see how i feel inside, putting on my happy face…Keep pretending, that i’m happy, putting on my happy face” Yeah…
Well with my family i HAVE to put on my happy because they simply do not get mental illness. In their opinion you just need to get your crap together and snap out of it. Pull yourself together and you will feel fine – yeah it’s not going to work like this… i tried to explain it – esp. to my Mom – many times but her attitude won’t change simply because it works for her.
Because of all my issues i have a massive problem opening up to people directly (another reason why i started this blog). Usually i’m not really lying if people ask me how i am doing but i will either not respond to it and ask them how they are doing instead (works fairly well with certain people) or i will respond with “i’m tired”. Unless i’m talking to someone who needs help or someone i don’t trust i will lie and tell them “i’m fine” or “i’m okay”. Another reason why i can’t open up to people (unless they are very persistent or i am very desperate): i don’t want to always be the downer. i’m fed up with that. i wish i was the happy coco. i wish i was fun to be with (well when i put on my happy face i can be fun to be with – i laugh and smile and interact but it’s not how i really feel like inside).

i’ve checked out available therapists and wasn’t surprised to find out there are not many therapists in my area to begin with not to mention most of them have bad ratings and the others have waiting lists till the end of the year. So nope a therapist really isn’t an option at this point… i’m not suicidal. Well i do WANT to live and when those thoughts come up i can pretty successfully push them out of my mind. That doesn’t work with Self Harm though. i’ve been fighting using all coping skills i could think of but… ugh… my eating habits are horrible too. As i said in one of my previous posts i’m certain i don’t have an eating disorder but i sure as hell don’t behave healthy either. i need to lose weight and i’m working towards it. Ricecakes are my best friends at the moment. i’m restricting and when i have to eat other things than Ricecakes and get the chance to i’ll purge. Damn me… gosh i really do hate myself.
Also i feel like people are avoiding me. People not knowing me seem to avoid and or ignore me. i can’t imagine having done anything wrong but my presence must already tick them off. i come online, people are disappearing immediately, i comment on something and get ignored where others receive responses. i know i’m not worth getting liked or even loved but seriously? i ONCE flipping dare to reach a little tiny bit and this happens. Thank you but reaching out directly simply doesn’t work for me. It does for others i guess apparently but for me it doesn’t – fair enough i’ll stick with ignoring my own needs and being solely there for others. That’s the only thing i’m good at, listening and being there for others. F**k the rest. Everyone else is worth getting happy, healthy but certainly not me. i don’t matter at all nor should i. i will carry on functioning and pretending to be the person my family wants to see (even though i always fail at that too…), my friends need and life will continue as always…
Enough from me now – Sorry for this weird post but i simply needed to get it out SOMEWHERE!

my Own Experience With Sexual Abuse & Sexual Assault

Warning: This post MIGHT be triggering to some of you, so please don’t read it, if you easily get triggered. i’m not glorifying Self Harm or Eating Disorders by any means! If you are suffering from mental health problems, please seek help! It’s important to reach out and talk about it to someone you trust. Don’t make the same mistakes i made and still am making because life can be so much more!

Whoever reads this: You are worth living a happy, healthy life and life CAN get better if you reach out to the right people and get help!!

Hi there,

It is pretty hard for me writing about the sexual assault i had to experience in 2012. That’s why i haven’t included it in my PTSD Blog-Post…
In this Post i will mention the abuse by my grandfather again but i will also talk about what happened to me in 2012. Bear with me because trying to find the right words simply won’t be easy for me.

Definition

In the United States, the definition of sexual assault varies widely between the individual states. This is because there is no federal rape or sexual assault laws in the United States due to the supreme court ruling of United States v. Morrison which ruled that the Violence Against Women Act The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network defines sexual assault as “unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling.”[5]

The National Center for Victims of Crime states:[6]

“Sexual assault takes many forms including attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person’s body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person’s consent.”
(Source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_assault)

To get over with it let’s start with 2012 instead of my encounter with my grandfather…

i was going through a lot at that time because my husband (we got married in August 2011) all of a sudden told me that he didn’t love me as a husband should. So from one day to the other he left me. Looooong story…
He was the love of my life and it broke my heart, my soul (that’s at least what i felt back then). Once again i failed, couldn’t give a person what he/she needed, was left. Unfortunately my beloved Dad-In-Law was terminally ill at this point and it was just a matter of time until he would leave us. i loved him like he was my real Dad and i know he loved me like i was his real daughter.
After i managed to survive the first couple of months (barely), i decided i needed to do something good for myself. i planned on taking a trip to Ireland (i LOVE LOVE LOVE Ireland!). It would be my first time there, only a short trip because of work and money shortage. So i booked everything and eventually it was time to get to the airport.
When it was time for boarding i went last in line and in front of me was a big guy who seemed friendly and we started a small-talk. He arranged that he could sit next to me in the plane. (alarm bells: take one… action) So i sat next to him and he wanted me to sit in the middle so he could have the aisle seat (alarm bells: take two… action). Since i’m pretty daft, to put it nicely, i got out my booking confirmation where it had the name and address of my hotel as well as my name and cell-phone number on it… i just wanted to check again where i’d be staying and if i had everything with me. i noticed that the guy was writing done something (alarm bells: take three… action)
Now comes the part i dread to write about – i’m already sitting in front of my screen for about an hour trying to figure out how to describe what happened next and to stop blaming myself. trying to stop myself from starting to cry as i re-live the whole flight.
i wasn’t raped but i know that if he would have had the chance to rape me he would have done so…

another ten minutes of staring and trying to hold myself together

He started telling me that he fell in love with me and that i was his dream-woman and that he could give me anything i wanted…
He started touching me – i was trapped sitting in the middle, he had the aisle seat and the window seat was occupied with a teenage girl from Canada – he would give me a massage. He would tell me that he could give me a proper one if we’d meet the next day. He would start touching my breasts, my arms, my legs, my face and i would keep telling to stop. He wouldn’t listen just saying “Not touching”. He would try to kiss my lips – thank-goodness i was quick enough to turn my face enough so that he just kissed my cheek. He would kiss my ear and nibble at the tip of my ear. No matter how often i told him to stop, he would carry on. i was scared, i didn’t dare to yell for help or get loud because i felt so trapped sitting next to that massive bloke and i didn’t dare to get up either because i would have given him the opportunity to touch my backside… i turned to the girl and mouthed “help me” – poor girl of course wasn’t able to do anything and mouthed back “i don’t know how, i’m sorry” i could feel she would have loved to help me but regarding that was scared like me. i started talking to her and tried to ignore that blokes touches. Thankfully the flight only took about two hours but those two hours felt like an eternity. After the plane landed i grabbed my stuff and with the girl and her group quickly left the plane before him. At the Passport control i met him again but he was behind me and i avoided talking to him much. i ran past the baggage claim, to the restrooms and started cleaning myself but i held myself together and didn’t cry. i stayed in for almost ten minutes, scrubbed my hands, face and my ear. i was feeling so horribly sick. After i went out of the restroom i hid behind a pillar and checked whether he was still there. i couldn’t see him but i saw my suitcase, grabbed it and quickly ran to the bus into town (which was thankfully already there)
When i arrived at the hotel i talked to the staff there and told him about the creepy guy at the plane and that i suspected him knowing where i’d stay and asked them that if ANY guy ask for me to tell him that i wasn’t staying at that hotel. They would give me an update every-time i returned to the hotel. The incident partly ruined my since i didn’t dare to stay out after dark (which meant being back at hotel by at least 5pm), not going into pubs because i was scared to meet him there. i only did tourist things (which he wouldn’t do since he lived in Dublin). Unfortunately i was right about him writing down my personal informations since i received a textmessage from him the next day asking me if i wanted to meet. That’s the only time i responded to him, by telling him that i wasn’t in Dublin anymore but staying with a friend a few hours away for the next few days.

i was more aware of my surroundings than ever before and that made it a tad harder to enjoy my trip, which was supposed to be a healing trip and something very special since for years i wanted to visit Dublin…
i should have informed the police but i was scared for multiple reasons. First of all i felt guilty, ashamed and dirty because i let it all happen, because i didn’t ask a flight-attendant for help, because i didn’t get loud. Because i was dumb enough to give him a chance to gather personal information from me. Secondly i didn’t know where to go and didn’t want to spend the four short days at a police station (VERY DUMB REASON!).

When i was back home i told a friend (who happens to be a flight-attendant) and advised me to talk to Pro-Familia which here in Germany helps with lots of things regarding Sexuality. i always thought highly of them but that changed, when i called. They made me feel like it was totally my fault and asked me why i haven’t been asking for help. i tried to explain but they said that i should go see a therapist to learn how to not get myself in a situation like this again. Well i blamed and still blame myself enough already so you can imagine that this call didn’t help. i talked to my therapist about that instead (without too many details though) and he was understanding and tried to help a little but i couldn’t open up so i never really dealt with it and still have flashbacks among other things. It also didn’t help that he stalked me for about six months over the phone (due to various reasons i couldn’t just change my number). Eventually he stopped but it was a tough time because every-time he wrote everything came back…
You will probably say that wasn’t sexual assault but you haven’t been there with me, you haven’t seen what he was doing to me and how intense it all was… So please don’t judge me or the whole situation…

In my post about PTSD i already talked about my childhood experience and i simply can’t continue writing at the moment, so if you haven’t read it yet, please check out my PTSD post.
After about 4 hours i’m finally done writing this post and i’m beyond good and evil at the moment. i will most likely distract myself now with music and chatting so that i don’t have to deal with my emotions anymore…
i’m not going to proof-read this post so if there are errors in it please accept my apologies!